


Bitten

by Ralkana



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Adult Content, Alternate Reality, Angst, Deathbed, Declarations Of Love, Early Work, Explicit Language, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Illness, Reconciliation, Rehabilitation, Temporary Physical Disability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-04-09
Updated: 2002-04-09
Packaged: 2017-10-29 04:43:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/315955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ralkana/pseuds/Ralkana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Voyager's mining party runs into some major trouble planetside, and what follows forces both Chakotay and Kathryn to face some difficult issues in order to get things running smoothly again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer ~ I don't own them; Paramount does. I think if I owned them, they'd have been much, much happier! In addition, some dialogue (gee, I wonder which?) has been taken directly from the episode _Resolutions_.

 

The cave-in, when it happened, was unimpressive. One improperly functioning mining drill, pointed in the wrong place, and the whole tunnel fell in, trapping the drilling teams in the large cavern. With a rumble and a crack, forty members of the crew were cut off from Voyager, including four of the senior staff.

Captain Janeway groaned and opened her eyes, but before she could pick herself up off the ground, a large hand appeared before her, offering assistance. Smiling grimly at her first officer, she took his hand and hauled herself up.

"Why is it," she asked calmly, her tone of voice belying her anger, "That this damn crew cannot have a simple away mission where everything goes well?"

"I don't know, Captain," he stated just as calmly, "But perhaps now you'll see the logic in not having both members of the command team off the ship at the same time. Although I doubt it, because things like this have never made you reconsider before."

She rolled her eyes at his attempt to continue the argument they'd had earlier in the ready room, but before she could respond, he turned from her and called for all crewmembers to gather in the center of the cavern to sound off. Everyone reported in, and although a few people had been hit by falling rocks, the Doctor didn't have to treat any serious injuries. The group was immediately split into two teams: one to assess the seriousness of the cave-in, and one to haul all the unrefined dilithium they'd mined into one corner of the cavern and pack it into the cargo containers as soon as possible to minimize its toxicity. The four senior staff members gathered by a wall for a conference.

"Report," Janeway ordered, still seething.

The Doctor went first. "Well, as you can tell, there were no serious injuries. However, it might be detrimental to everyone's health if we have to remain here for any length of time. It's bound to grow cold in this cavern, and the raw dilithium -- though normally only mildly toxic -- is so prevalent in this cavern -- "

"The whole reason we're here -- " B'Elanna butted in, scowling.

The Doctor nodded. "Exactly. But exposure to large amounts of unrefined dilithium ore over long periods of time can prove deadly."

Janeway nodded curtly. "We won't be here that long, Doctor. Chakotay?"

"Well, according to the tricorders -- which aren't as reliable as normal due to the interference in this cavern -- the cave-in looks worse than expected. Although the cavern seems to be secure, it looks like the tunnel is blocked for about fifteen meters. Not only that, but it might have sparked other cave-ins along the tunnel system, and we may be trapped again, even if we can manage to move all that rock," he finished softly, and Janeway resisted the urge to groan. Chakotay continued his report.

"The mining lamps we set up are still working well, though I don't know how long their power cells will hold out. All team members were equipped with Starfleet mining packs, so we have water, emergency rations and medical supplies, wrist beacons, and blankets. We've got phasers and plenty of rocks to heat. We've all been trained in survival situations. We'll be okay for the time being."

The captain nodded again. "And if we can't find a way to get ourselves out of here, Tuvok will find one for us. B'Elanna?"

The chief engineer sighed. "Well, as Chakotay said, the dilithium is wreaking havoc on all the equipment. Tricorders, communications -- which we already knew -- and I'm sure, transporter locks, or we'd have been rescued by now. Who knows how long the phasers will work as rock warmers? I'm pretty sure that the ore did some damage to the sensors on the mining drills as well. Burton's not careless," she said, jerking her head toward a stricken-looking crewman in engineering gold who stood staring disconsolately at the new rock wall. "He wouldn't have made that cut if his drill had been working right. Dammit!" she growled, and then caught herself. "Sorry, Captain. I should have realized it would affect the drills. We were all so anxious to get down here for all this dilithium..."

"Don't worry, B'Elanna. It's not your fault, and it's not Burton's. Make sure he knows that, and make sure the rest of the crew knows it too. We don't need any blame spread around; the situation's bad enough as it is. You're right, we _were_ all anxious for this opportunity, including me," she said with a glance at Chakotay; he knew it was the only apology he would get, and he smiled briefly, letting her know he accepted it. She continued, "Now we just have to focus on getting out of here. Any suggestions?"

B'Elanna spoke up again. "Well, we'll have to keep the drills on the lowest setting and cut very, very carefully. If we have one team cutting and one team moving the rock out of the way, we might make some progress."

Chakotay jumped in. "I recommend shifts, Captain. We don't know how long this is going to take us. There's about forty of us. If we split into four teams of ten -- five to do the cutting, five for the lifting -- it will minimize fatigue. I also recommend that the teams regularly switch jobs -- cutting shift to lifting and vice versa -- for the same reason."

The Doctor nodded. "I agree with the commander. Also, it will minimize direct exposure to the ore. Those not working should convene in the middle of the cavern, away from the walls, and rest. Though this cavern is large and oxygen shouldn't be a problem, it's probably a good idea not to engage in any more activity than necessary."

"Understood. Good ideas, people. Okay, Commander, please organize the teams. B'Elanna, keep on eye on the equipment, as much as you can. Doctor, while the three of us will join the effort, I'd like you to stand by. There may be injuries." She glanced back at B'Elanna. "How is the Doctor's emitter doing?" she asked mildly, aware of the sudden look of alarm on the hologram's face. "Is the ore interfering with it?"

The engineer shook her head. "No, something in it seems to be neutralizing the effects." Her eyes lit up. "I'll have to take a look at it again when we get back to the ship. If I can figure out how it's doing that -- "

Janeway smiled. "Good idea. We'll also have to sit down and rework the mining mission procedures to better take into account possible equipment and sensor failures; it's something we should have done long before now. However, that comes later. First we have to get out of here. How do digging shifts of an hour sound?" she asked, looking at the Doctor. He nodded, and she returned the gesture. "Good. Let's go, people." The conference broke up as they headed back to the crew.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Almost four hours later, Janeway stifled a groan as she lifted yet another chunk of rock out of Crewman Aron's way, carrying it to the swiftly growing pile at the other end of the cave. They'd cut through several meters of rock already, but the going was extremely slow, and the work was tedious, mind-numbing, and backbreaking. Aron had offered to let the captain cut while he lifted, but she'd declined, declaring that she would get her hands just as dirty as everyone else. As she made her way back to the site of the cave-in, she stared down at her hands. _Yep, they're filthy..._

She caught a glimpse of Chakotay's dark head and broad shoulders at the other end of the line of diggers. He, like her and most of the crew, had stripped off his jacket and turtleneck and was working in his T-shirt. They'd both been working since the first shift because neither could bear to sit and do nothing while their people were trapped. Though they occasionally made eye contact, neither had yet commented on the fact that the other was still hard at work. She saw him nearly stumble and resolved to have a word with him at the next shift change. They both needed rest; they were growing sluggish and clumsy, and they couldn't afford that.

She picked up another rock and hissed in pain. Jerking her hand away from the sharp edge, she looked down at her palm to see a jagged gash, the blood already oozing to the surface. "Damn!" she spat, and Aron glanced at her.

"Ouch. That looks pretty bad, Captain. You should probably have the Doctor look at it." He reddened, realizing he was probably out of line.

"That's a good idea, Crewman. I'll be back in a moment," she said, laying her uninjured hand on the crewman's shoulder to let him know his comment wasn't unacceptable.

She walked as quickly as she could -- which wasn't very fast -- to the center of the cavern, where the Doctor was monitoring the resting crewmembers. She was cradling her injured hand, but by the time she reached him, the blood was running down her arm and she had to hold her hand so that it would drip onto the ground instead of soaking her uniform. The crewmember nearest to her took one look at her injury and jumped up.

"I'll go spell you, Captain."

Janeway opened her mouth to protest and the woman smiled. "The shift's changing soon anyway, and mine's up next. I can do a few extra minutes, Captain." The captain nodded.

"Thank you, Crewman Jensen. I appreciate it." The woman made her way to the blocked tunnel and the captain continued on to see the Doctor.

He sprang into action immediately, grabbing a dermal regenerator. He eyed her closely as he cleaned the area and then ran the instrument over her palm. "You have been working for far longer than an hour," he began placidly.

"Yes, Doctor, I have."

"You need to rest, Captain."

"Fine."

"Just because you're the Captain doesn't mean -- " he stopped abruptly, and she smiled tiredly, realizing that her quick acquiescence had thrown him off guard. "Oh. Good."

"I'm exhausted, Doctor, and I'm going to sit down as soon as you're finished here."

The Doctor nodded, and said, "Fine. I'm finished; you're free. Just watch that hand for a while, it'll be more susceptible to re-injury."

She nodded, flexing the newly healed hand, and turned to walk back to the caved-in entrance.

"Where are you going, Captain?" the Doctor called. "I just told you that you need rest!"

She turned to glare at him and he immediately realized his mistake. She did not appreciate being reprimanded in front of the crew. "I heard you, Doctor. And I agreed, did I not? I'm going to retrieve Commander Chakotay. The shift is changing and I want to make sure he changes with it. Understood?"

He nodded meekly. "My apologies, Captain."

She made no reply as she turned and headed for Chakotay. Sure enough, the shift had changed, and he was still there. She caught him just as he was bending down to reach for another rock.

"Commander," she said softly, and he jumped and turned. "You need to rest."

He looked her up and down and opened his mouth. "I know," she said. "That's your line. But it's true; we both do. Come on, let's go sit down for a while. We're both very tired, and we can't afford to make mistakes."

He nodded and she turned toward the center of the cavern. After a few seconds, she realized he wasn't following. Turning back, she saw he was leaning against the wall, far enough away from the digging teams to be out of immediate view and earshot. She went back to him.

"Are you okay? You look exhausted," she said concernedly.

He nodded. "Fine," he said. "I am tired. Very tired. Guess I'm more out of shape than I thought," he said with a weak grin, which grew as he stared at her.

"What?"

He reached out to brush her hair away from her forehead, and then stopped himself, looking surprised at his own lapse in propriety. "You look like you've been playing in the mud, Kathryn."

She looked down at herself. Her gray shirt was filthy, and a thick layer of dust coated her uniform trousers. She knew her hair was a disaster, and she could feel the sweat and dirt caking her face. She looked back at him. His hair was hanging on his forehead, spiked with sweat, and his face and shirt were just as dirty as hers. His arms were covered with dirt and small scratches.

"You're not exactly a poster boy for cleanliness yourself, Mister," she said, returning his grin. Then she looked closer. He was still sweating profusely, though he'd stopped working, and underneath the dirt his skin was nearly ashen. There were dark circles around both eyes, which were bloodshot and looked slightly unfocused. She couldn't really tell, but it looked like he might be trembling. "Are you sure you're okay, Chakotay?" she asked sharply. "You don't look well."

He shook his head, as if to clear it. "I'm fine," he said again. "Just tired." Then he shook his head again, still in that dazed way. "Actually, no. I don't feel good," he mumbled, and she was horrified to see that he was swaying on his feet. "I don't feel very good at all."

"Come on," she said, really worried now. "Let's get you to the Doctor."

He nodded wearily and took one step forward before his knees gave way beneath him. Even as she leapt to catch him, a part of her noticed how he fell. The man managed to move gracefully even as he was collapsing. Then her rational mind kicked in as she was pushed to the ground under his inert form, and she yelled, "Doctor!" She was stunned by the waves of heat she could feel radiating from his body.

She was suddenly surrounded by crewmembers pulling him off her, placing him gently on the ground, and helping her up. The Doctor knelt by his patient, scanning him quickly with a medical tricorder. "What happened?" he asked tersely.

"I asked him if he felt okay, and he said no, and then he collapsed," she said, fighting to keep the worry out of her voice. "He feels like he's got a hell of a fever, Doctor."

The EMH nodded grimly. "His body temperature's almost 41 degrees," he said, and she stifled her gasp. He looked up irritably at the walls. "I need to get him into more open space. The ore is interfering with my readings."

"What is it?" she asked as several crewmen came forward to lift Chakotay. "It can't be exposure to the ore," she said in a sure voice.

He shook his head. "Be careful with him," he called as Chakotay was half-dragged, half-carried into the center of the cavern and placed on a couple of survival blankets set down by other crewmembers. He and Kathryn followed closely behind. "No, it's not that. That wouldn't cause him to just collapse like this. I can't tell yet, but it looks like some sort of toxin. All right, thank you ladies and gentlemen. A little space, please," he added, and the crew backed off into a larger circle, still watching but from a respectful distance.

"Kahless! What happened to him?" B'Elanna asked with fear in her voice as she ran up to where he was lying.

The Doctor was running a scanner over him again, and it made insistent beeping noises as it was held over Chakotay's neck. He half-turned his patient, and there, on the back of his neck between his hair and the collar of his shirt, was an angry red weal about twice the size of a rank pip.

"What the hell is that?" Janeway exclaimed.

"Hmm. Looks like some sort of insect bite," the Doctor said, and Kathryn closed her eyes in exasperation.

"Of course." She said tightly. _Oh no, not again..._ "Was it caused by something in this cavern?"

He shook his head, but in irritation rather than negation. "I don't believe so, Captain. I'm not detecting any dangerous life in this cavern," he said. "But I can't tell for sure, with this interference."

B'Elanna snapped her fingers. "The food gathering team. This morning he went into the woods with Neelix' team."

"Could that be it, Doctor?"

He nodded as he pressed a hypospray to Chakotay's neck. "It could be. I've given him a broad-spectrum anti-venom agent. Unfortunately, it might not be effective on this particular toxin, and if the venom has been in his bloodstream since this morning..."

Janeway nodded, not wanting to hear the rest of his sentence any more than he wanted to say it. "There are other members of that team in this cavern," she realized suddenly. "They should be checked too."

Before she could say anything else, B'Elanna stood up, put two fingers in her mouth and whistled sharply. All action in the cavern ceased. "Anybody who went out into the woods this morning report to the Doctor immediately."

Though there wasn't exactly a mad rush, it didn't take very long at all for five or six people to make their way to the Doctor. He began to scan them, speaking as he did so. "Commander Chakotay has been bitten by some sort of insect, and I'm just checking to make sure none of you were bitten. Can any of you recall anything... any sort of nest or hive, or any sort of insect at all? Any actions on the commander's part? It might be helpful to coming up with a diagnosis or treatment."

Crewman Jensen jumped. "Yes!" she exclaimed. "I don't know how helpful it is... but I remember him... the commander... slapping at his neck. We... were just walking and I was behind him and he jumped... and smacked his neck. I don't think... he even realized what he'd done," she said softly, "and I didn't remember it until now." Her eyes hooded over. "I'm sorry, Captain," she said desperately. "I should have reported it earlier, but I didn't think... I..."

Janeway placed her hand on Jensen's shoulder. "It's alright, Crewman," she said soothingly. "You didn't realize it was important. He obviously didn't think it was important, though I'll have to have a word with him about that," she added to the Doctor, "Given his own past personal experience with insect bites." She turned back to Jensen. "Thank you for your help now; it may turn out to be crucial." The young woman nodded. Janeway turned to the rest of the group. "Does anyone remember anything else?"

They all looked lost in thought for a moment, before slowly shaking their heads.

"Doctor?"

"You're all clear. Some of the others who went back to Voyager may have been bitten, but if that's the case, I'm sure Mr. Paris has been able to effectively treat them. We need to get out of here, Captain. The commander needs to be in Sickbay."

Janeway turned to the crew at large, dismissing the smaller group around them. "People! Thank you for your concern. Now, let's get back to work. We need to get back to Voyager." _Now more than ever..._ "One last thing. Any insect bites are to be reported to the Doctor immediately. Understood?" There was a rumble of acknowledgement, and she finished with, "Good. Dismissed." The crew scattered and the digging teams began working again, even more vigorously than before, if possible. She turned back to the Doctor, who was frowning. "What is it, Doctor?"

"I'm curious as to why the commander didn't come to me sooner. He had to have been feeling the effects of the venom for quite some time."

"He's stubborn when it comes to doctors and medicine," B'Elanna said, stroking the hair on her friend's forehead. "He probably thought he could just walk it off."

Janeway shook her head, and the weariness of the past hours suddenly caught up with her. She sank down onto the blanket next to her first officer. She remembered the words he'd said shortly before he collapsed. "No, I don't think that's it," she said softly. At B'Elanna's look of disbelief, she laughed softly. "Yes, he's very stubborn, and it's true that he doesn't like doctors, but I don't think he realized he was sick until right before he collapsed. He'd been working very hard for hours, and I'm pretty sure he just thought it was fatigue."

B'Elanna and the Doctor nodded. With a sigh, B'Elanna stood, squeezing Chakotay's shoulder once more. "Well, I'm going to go check on the drill sensors. We can't have another accident. Especially not now."

When she was out of earshot, Janeway looked at the EMH and said in a low tone, "What are his chances, Doctor?"

The hologram sighed. "I honestly don't know, Captain. I don't have enough information down here. On Voyager, I'd -- but then it wouldn't matter. If we were on Voyager, I'd be better able to treat him. With the instruments malfunctioning, I can't even tell exactly what the toxin's doing to him. It looks like it's attacking his muscular tissue, but I can't be sure. His body is fighting the venom, but even that's dangerous. His fever is very high, and it's climbing slowly. If we can't find a way to lower it soon, it won't matter very much what the toxin's doing. The fever will be high enough to cause neurological damage."

Kathryn's heart sank and she closed her eyes. _His worst fear..._ Chakotay could handle just about anything, except losing his faculties. They'd had a long talk about it after their encounter with the aliens in chaotic space, and she knew the thought of mental degradation was what often kept him up at night. "What can we do for him?" she asked.

"Not much. Try to keep him comfortable and hydrated... the low temperature in the cavern will help with that. But other than that... I'll keep giving him anti-venom, but without a specific anti-venom after this much time, even that's probably useless."

Chakotay was still on his side, and without thinking, Kathryn reached out to lightly touch the bite on his neck. He shifted and groaned, and the Doctor said, "That's probably pretty painful, Captain."

Properly chastised, she pulled her hand away, gently rolling him so that he was on his back. She bunched up his and her jackets and turtlenecks and put them carefully under his head as a pillow. When she moved back from him she jumped to see his dark brown eyes regarding her fuzzily.

"Wh' happened?" he asked in a slurred voice.

"You've been bitten by something, probably an insect," she answered, resisting the urge to smooth his hair away from his forehead as B'Elanna had.

He groaned. "'Gain?" he asked softly. "Get you this time?"

She chuckled briefly. "Nope. Not this time. But it got you, pretty bad. How are you feeling?" she asked, knowing the Doctor was hovering nearby with questions to ask.

"Hurts," he said vaguely. And then, "Cold."

She frowned. "Chakotay, you have a very high fever. You can't possibly be cold."

"Freezing," he insisted, and she saw that he was shivering and his arms were covered in gooseflesh. She looked questioningly at the Doctor.

"He's probably going into shock," the hologram said quietly, "And fever does that sometimes."

"What can we do?"

"Try and keep him warm, but he's probably going to perspire heavily. We just have to make sure he doesn't dehydrate."

She gingerly lifted his head and removed her turtleneck from the makeshift pillow. Using water from her bottle, she wet the cloth and used it to gently clean his arms and face. He groaned and shivered at the contact of the cool water on his skin.

"Shh. I know... we'll warm you up in a minute, I promise. Let's clean you up first." After a moment more, she asked, "Chakotay, can you sit up?" He tried but was too weak. The Doctor and Kathryn hoisted him into a sitting position and the Doctor held him while she struggled to replace his turtleneck and jacket. It was probably uncomfortable, but it would help keep him warm. When she finished, she placed his water bottle at his lips. He drank greedily until she took it away, wanting to save some for later and not wanting him to make himself ill. Then they laid him back down, but he was still shivering.

"Sorry, Captain," he said through chattering teeth.

She looked down at him, astonished. "For what?"

"Getting bit again... not being able to help the crew now..."

She laughed softly. "It's not your fault bugs find you irresistible."

"Just bugs, hmm?" he said quietly, with just a ghost of his normal grin.

Kathryn smiled back, though something in her ached to see him like this. She looked around for a discarded blanket, and seeing none, prepared to give him her own. Then a soft voice said, "Here, Captain."

One of her crewmen was standing before her with three folded blankets in his arms. She was about to protest when he smiled and said, "We're about to start digging anyway." She looked behind him and saw two more crewmembers standing at a discreet distance but obviously watching her and waiting for their friend. "We don't need them, but Commander Chakotay does. We'd like to help... it's the least I can do," he finished sadly.

She realized it was Crewman Burton, the man whose unwise cut had stranded them all here. "Thank you, Crewman. It's a big help. This is not your fault," she added firmly, and he nodded, but she could see he wasn't convinced. He gave her the blankets, nodded again, and walked back toward his friends. She covered Chakotay carefully, tucking the blankets around him, and wondered how he could even breathe in the stifling heat, especially with such a high fever. She sighed gratefully as she realized he was shivering less now. His eyes, which had watched her wordlessly since he'd made the crack about bugs, began to droop and his breathing, while still ragged, evened out some.

She reached out to wake him, and the Doctor said, "Let him sleep, Captain. It's probably best under the circumstances. You should rest too."

She stared at him. He expected her to rest while her best friend and first officer lay dying and nearly a third of her crew was trapped in a cave that was growing more toxic with each passing minute. As soon as she got up enough energy to stand, she was going to go back to the entrance and help with the digging.

"You worked just as hard as Chakotay did. Rest for a while; your body needs it. Before all of this -- " he gestured to the sleeping form beside her " -- happened, you told me you were exhausted and planning to sit at the first opportunity. Follow up on that."

His words struck a chord in her. She suddenly realized how weary she actually was and nodded weakly at the Doctor. Maybe she would rest, just for a little while. Then she'd get up and help. She lay down on her blanket, which gave her the perfect vantage point to watch Chakotay's chest rise and fall. It was doing so fairly evenly, but every once in a while there was a tiny hitch in his breathing, which would cause one in her own.

 _Dear God, please, just let it keep rising and falling. Don't let it stop, not here in this godforsaken cave. Don't let him leave me here..._

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Kathryn awoke abruptly to the sound of Chakotay's voice, but it was loud and manic and quite different from the soft, firm tones with which she was so familiar. She sat up quickly and looked around for the Doctor. He was right there, scanning Chakotay with a medical tricorder.

"He's hallucinating," the Doctor said crisply. "He's been doing so for about an hour."

"How long have I been asleep?" Janeway asked, trying to wipe the sweat from Chakotay's brow. The blankets above and below him were soaked. His eyes were open, but they were glassy and unfocused. He was still speaking in that loud, unfamiliar voice, and every so often, he laughed. His hands waved weakly under the blankets.

"About an hour and a half."

"He's raving," she said sadly.

"Well, technically, yes. But not in Federation Standard. He's speaking his native language, but I gather that even that isn't making much sense. The universal translator embedded in my program isn't helping much... a few words here and there. He's becoming very dehydrated, Captain. A few of the crew have helped me to try and get him to sit up and drink, but he fights us. We end up spilling more than we can get him to drink. I've been giving him anti-dehydration injections, but even those can't keep up with his fluid loss."

Kathryn leaned over to try and make eye contact, but it was useless. She grabbed his shoulder and the Doctor grabbed the other, but he struggled weakly and avoided their grasp. She took a deep breath. "Commander, sit up. That's an order. From the captain," she said in as much of a command tone as she could muster.

There was no response, other than another laugh and more gibberish. She rested her hand on his forearm and looked up at the Doctor again. "He feels even warmer now," she said, astonished.

The Doctor nodded. "His temperature's gone up another half a degree."

Suddenly Chakotay's whole body twitched and convulsed for a few seconds, and he cried out. The movement was very unlike the small motions his limbs and head had been making while he raved, and much more disturbing.

"What was that?" Janeway asked sharply.

"A muscle spasm. They're increasing in frequency and strength. The venom is attacking his muscular tissue, breaking it down, probably for easier digestion. It's happening slowly, but I imagine that's because the commander is much bigger than his attacker's intended prey."

She involuntarily laughed, and she could hear the hysterical tinge to it. When she looked back up, the Doctor was regarding her warily. "So he's hallucinating, dehydrated, his fever's still rising, and his muscles are dying. Any more good news?" she asked in a much shriller tone than she intended.

 _Calm down!_ she admonished herself, and then she was struck with another thought. _I'm watching him die. Right here, right now, he's slowly dying, and I can't do anything about it. Nobody can. I imagined shuttle crashes, alien attacks, phaser burns, even old age and natural causes, but not a goddamned spider bite!_ She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself.

Ignoring the Doctor, she leaned over him again, looking into his terribly gleaming eyes. In a tone of voice she very rarely used around anyone but Chakotay, she said softly, "Chakotay, it's Kathryn. Can you hear me? Please listen..."

She placed one hand on his shoulder and the other on his forehead, where her thumb unconsciously began to stroke the elegant lines of his tattoo. He was still talking, but his voice had softened and he wasn't fighting her touch. She took that as a good sign.

"Chakotay, listen to me. You're very sick, and we need you to sit up and drink some water. Can you do that? For me?" He still didn't respond, but when she pulled lightly at his shoulder, he moved willingly. She nodded at the Doctor, and together they hauled him up into a sitting position. Kathryn was horrified at how drenched with perspiration he was, and how much heat she could feel coming from his body. He was trembling. She saw, as his head fell forward, that the bite had worsened in appearance, becoming almost purple with angry red lines radiating from it. It had begun to ooze something, and Kathryn was pretty sure she didn't want to know what that was.

She held his half-empty water bottle to his lips and he drank, slowly. When the bottle was empty, she looked at the Doctor and asked, "More?" He nodded. Still holding his shoulder with one hand, she reached behind her for her own water bottle. He drank about a third of the bottle before choking and gasping as his body spasmed again.

"Thank you, Captain, for your help. That's fine for now," the Doctor said as they settled Chakotay back against the blankets. "We'll try again in a little while."

She nodded, unable to say anything. B'Elanna appeared and sat down on Chakotay's other side, grasping his hand between both of hers. "Hey, old man," she said softly. "How are you?" She glanced at the Doctor sharply. "Don't answer that," she said. "I have eyes, and I don't think I want to know the medical terms." She looked at Janeway. "My crews threatened to mutiny and carry me over here if I didn't come rest, so I thought I'd sit with him for a while," she said with a small, sad smile.

Before Kathryn said anything, Chakotay, recovered from his latest spasms, began to speak again. If anything, it was less coherent than before. The words were even more run together, but there was no manic laughter this time. Kathryn wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not. B'Elanna looked at her, and the captain was surprised at the depth of the fear in the younger woman's eyes.

"He's been like this for a while," Kathryn said softly. "I think it's getting worse."

"He's not making any sense at all," B'Elanna whispered.

"Well, it's not Standard he's raving in... it's his native language, but the Doctor says that's not making any sense either."

The women sat and watched him, each stoically holding one of his hands as the muscle spasms increasingly interrupted his speech and rocked his body. It broke Kathryn's heart to hear Chakotay mangle his beautiful native language, and it hurt her to hear the natural cadences and rhythms destroyed by the jerkiness of his feverish speech. He rarely spoke it, and even more rarely in the presence of others, and she knew he would be mortified when he learned what he had been doing to it in front of all these people. She stubbornly refused to acknowledge the fact that he would probably never learn about today, probably never wake up from this. _He will not die down here_ , she vowed.

After a while, she and B'Elanna sat him up again and gave him some more water, and Kathryn wasn't sure if she was grateful or jealous that Chakotay seemed to respond to the younger woman's voice just as easily as he had to hers. _Now is not the time to dwell on that_ , she snapped inwardly, forcing her increasingly fractured mind to focus.

She jumped as she heard her name fall from his lips, but when she glanced into his eyes she knew it was just one word in the unceasing torrent of them being produced by his fevered mind. She looked back at B'Elanna to see a tiny smile playing at the edges of the younger woman's trembling lips.

"Well, Commander," she said softly. "Are you talking to me or about me? I expect a full report on this..."

The Doctor looked up from where he was treating a crewmember's injured wrist. "He just said something about a boat and a monkey, I think. I told you he wasn't making much sense." He and B'Elanna were both startled when Kathryn jumped up with a gasp.

"Oh God," she murmured softly. "I can't... I have to get..." She rushed toward the cave entrance, leaving several very surprised people behind.

For two hours Kathryn joined the escape effort, working on autopilot. She lifted rocks, carried them across the cave, set them down, and repeated the process over and over, all without speaking. Though she tried to shut her mind down, images of the past six and a half years fluttered behind her eyes, all of him or the two of them. She vaguely heard a crewmember report to her that they were almost through the rockfall, and that they might be free soon. She knew that she responded in a captainly manner, but it, like everything at the moment, was automatic.

She found herself praying as she had not in decades, promising all sorts of things she would not be able to deliver, if only she could get Chakotay out of this cave. She stumbled once, but she was away from the eyes of her crew when it happened, so she simply picked herself up and kept going. The second time it happened, she was instantly surrounded and helped up. Within seconds, the Doctor was there, notified by a worried crewmember. He firmly grabbed her arm and led her toward the blankets and the group in the center of the cave. She fought weakly, not wanting to go back there.

"I can't, Doctor," she hissed, nearly inaudibly. "I can't just sit there and watch him die. Please."

"Captain," he responded in just as low a tone, for which a tiny part of her mind was vaguely grateful. "I don't care where you sit, but you need to rest. Don't face him if you don't want to, but you need to be in the center of the cave away from all the walls."

She gave in, knowing that he was right and she needed rest, and allowed him to lead her. The quiet was the first thing that struck her when she reached the small group at the cavern's center. The scene drew Kathryn's attention against her will. B'Elanna and a crewman were holding Chakotay up, attempting to get some water into him, but the nearly constant convulsions of his body weren't allowing for much success. He was no longer raving; his eyes were shut and his head lolled on his neck, despite B'Elanna's efforts to hold it steady. The sight nearly wrenched a sob from Kathryn as she sank down beside him. The Doctor took the crewman's place, dismissing him. He returned to the larger circle of crew who sat further out, trying not to look but unable to turn away.

With a growl, B'Elanna shook his shoulder. "Come on, old man, you have to drink. You have to fight this, dammit! You can't let a damn stupid bug stop you after all this time. You're a fighter. Fight this!" With what sounded suspiciously like a sob, she gave up and threw the water bottle away from her, not caring where it landed or that it spilled its precious contents into the dirt. She and the Doctor lowered him back to the ground, but B'Elanna wasn't finished yelling at him.

"You're my oldest friend, Chakotay. You saved my life! You were all I had for a time. Don't you dare leave me now! I need you! I need your advice. Hell, my baby's going to need a godfather!" At the shocked looks of the Doctor and the captain, she added hastily, "Someday! So you better be here for that, or I'll never forgive you! Don't you dare give up, dammit!"

The Doctor grabbed his medical tricorder, aiming it at the chief engineer. "Lieutenant Torres, if you have come down to this planet pregnant -- "

"I'm not pregnant, dammit! But somebody's got to tell him something that will keep him alive! Don't waste your time scanning me, Doctor. Do something for him! Now!"

With a sigh, his suspicions eased, the Doctor turned his scanner on Chakotay. "There's nothing more I can do. His temperature has risen another quarter of a degree, and soon the damage to his muscular tissue will be irreparable."

Shutting them both out, Kathryn took his twitching hand in hers and leaned in very close to his ear. "Chakotay, I don't know if you can hear me, but you can't give up," she whispered, ignoring the tremor in her voice. "Don't give up, please. I know you watched me die, but I don't think I can do that. I'm not strong enough for that, and I'm not strong enough to do this without you. I need your help, Chakotay. I need you. Please come back to us. Come back to me, my angry warrior. You are a warrior, and you have to fight this. Please, come back to me and I am yours," she promised, knowing she shouldn't, knowing it went against everything she'd learned, knowing it was a dangerous and unpredictable vow, and not caring.

 _Besides_ , a tiny part of her mind rationalized, _even if he wakes up, he won't remember, and nobody else heard, so you'll be off the hook_. Angry at herself for not even being able to be honest about a promise to him on his deathbed, she jumped up but immediately sank back down. She was too tired to fight anybody, including -- or maybe especially -- herself. Still, wanting to be sure that her promise would be recognized somehow, she leaned over and pressed her lips to his. Then, exhausted beyond belief, she simply rested her head on his chest, feeling as his body uncontrollably shuddered and his breathing began to slowly shallow as the muscles controlling it started to give up their fight. She made no effort to stop or conceal the tears that began to flow.

She had no idea how long she lay there, feeling him die and listening to B'Elanna mutter to him and the Doctor mutter to all of them. Time had no meaning any more. Her crew was doing their best to get themselves out of here, and she was too exhausted to help, so she simply lay there as the best part of her heart died inside and underneath her.

She vaguely heard shouts from the direction of the cave entrance and a crewman came running up, skidding to a halt before her. She raised her head and tore her eyes away from Chakotay in an attempt to focus on the excited man before her.

"Captain!" he exclaimed. "We've just broken through the wall and there are Voyager teams on the other side. If we can get everyone ten meters or so out on the other side of the cave-in, we can start beaming people up, Ma'am."

Janeway struggled to her feet, forcing the part of her mind called "Captain" to come forth and do her duty. "Doctor," she called. "You and the commander first. Use as many of the crew as you need to get him out of here and up to sickbay," she said, and he was already packing up his equipment and calling over several of the crew. "Everyone who's been trapped down here also needs to be looked over to make sure the ore hasn't seriously affected anyone. B'Elanna, organize the digging teams to carry up as much of the containered ore as we can before sending them all to sickbay for check-ups. If the area is judged stable, send more teams down to go through the rock we dug for more usable ore." Seeing the chief engineer open her mouth, Janeway glared at her, hands on hips. "This mission will not have been in vain, Lieutenant, no matter what happens."

"Understood," the half-Klingon said softly. "What will you be doing, Captain?"

"I will be supervising the teams down here until they are all back aboard my ship, Lieutenant."

"Captain," the Doctor said, "Nobody will blame you or fault you if you go up with the first teams."

"I will not leave this cavern until all of my people are safely out of here. Now tend to your patient, Doctor," she hissed as she stalked toward the pile of cargo containers against the far wall.

Numb once again, she participated in the bustling activity around her, making sure that debris and packs were picked up and nothing was left behind. She silently handed cargo containers to teams of crewmembers, ignoring their concerned glances, and then she stood outside the caved-in tunnel, watching as team after team was beamed up. Only when Tuvok's scratchy call came through that everyone was accounted for did she call for transport for herself.

Kathryn materialized in sickbay and found herself staring dully at the back surgical bay, where the Doctor, Tom Paris and several other people were moving rapidly around a patient as alarms went off and instruments sounded in the cacophony of emergency. She vaguely registered B'Elanna on one side of her and Neelix on the other, but all her attention was held by the action at the back. Then, the sounds began to fade as if she was moving away from them quickly, and the lights began to dim into blackness. She felt hands grabbing at her and heard herself being called, and then there was nothing.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

With a gasp and a groan, she sat up quickly, looking wildly around Sickbay. Her eyes focused automatically on the figure on the surgical biobed in the back, and she stared at his pale face from across the room. _His face... his face, I can see his face. That means something important... What does it mean?_ Then it hit her. The fact that she could see his face meant that he wasn't completely covered with a bioblanket, which meant that he was alive. The Doctor was still hovering over him, scanning him or doing something to him, but all of the alarms were silenced.

She tried to slide off the biobed she was lying on, only to be restrained by a strong hand on her shoulder. She whipped her head around and found herself staring into the concerned eyes of Tom Paris.

"Easy," he said softly. "Just take it easy for a while, Captain."

"Report, Lieutenant!"

"You're fine. Other than the fact that you're dehydrated, haven't eaten, haven't slept, are suffering from extreme fatigue, and fainted dead away, you're perfectly healthy," he said, amazed at how much of the Doctor's acerbic tone he could hear in his own voice.

"Not me," she hissed.

Tom sighed. "He's alive."

He could see the fear as it leapt into her eyes, before she battled to shove it all down. "That's it? He's alive?" she asked in a perfectly steady tone.

"Well, that's all we're really sure of right now. We had a specific anti-venom ready because while you were all trapped down there a couple of members of Neelix' team came in complaining of symptoms I'm sure you're familiar with. With some research, we discovered the insect responsible for the bites and figured out a way to counteract the venom. We've been giving him doses, and we think it's got the venom out of his system, but not before it did serious damage to his muscles. The Doctor thinks that with several treatments and intense physical therapy, he'd regain the use of everything, but he'd be weak for a long time."

Kathryn had closed her eyes. "What about... the fever? His mind?"

Tom sighed again. "We don't really know. We got the fever lowered pretty quickly after we got him up here, but he had it for quite a while, and it was a high fever. It will be hard to tell what's been affected before he wakes up. It's possible nothing has. It's possible there's quite a bit of damage. We just don't know yet."

"You said ‘before he wakes up' not ‘if he wakes up.' He's going to live?"

Tom nodded. "Yes, he'll live. Whether or not he'll be Chakotay when he wakes up is another story," he said sadly.

She returned the nod and slid off the biobed. "Thank you, Lieutenant. Keep me informed."

"Excuse me, Captain, but where do you think you're going?"

"To take a shower and then to the bridge."

"Oh no, you can go to your quarters for a shower, but then you're going to stay there and rest for twenty four hours. You fainted, Captain. Your body is still exhausted. You need something to eat and a good night's sleep."

She stared at him. He was becoming more like the Doctor every day.

"I can call the Doctor over here, but as you can see, he's kind of busy at the moment," Tom said. "I'm only relaying his orders, Captain."

Kathryn nodded wearily. "Fine. Twenty-four hours, and not a moment more. But I expect to be notified immediately if there's a change in his condition."

"Yes, ma'am."

Somehow, Kathryn managed to get herself back to her quarters. She knew that she should shower and eat something, but all she managed to do was find her way to her bed, which she fell on, not caring that she was getting the bedding filthy. Curling into as small a ball as she could, she cried herself into exhaustion, and finally slept.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer ~ I don't own them; Paramount does. I think if I owned them, they'd have been much, much happier! In addition, some dialogue (gee, I wonder which?) has been taken directly from the episode _Resolutions_.

 

 ** Three Weeks Later **

Kathryn tossed the padd on her desk, sighing in frustration. She looked up to see Tuvok staring at her from across the desk, one eyebrow raised. She bit back another sigh, this one a sigh of irritation. Chakotay's looks of reproach had always made her laughingly apologize for her bad mood; Tuvok's just made her cranky.

She longed to talk to Chakotay. He was doing well, according to the Doctor. He had awakened after thirty-four hours in a coma-like state. She had gone to see him, but he had been frightened and confused, unable to understand why he couldn't move anything. His confusion hadn't abated when he'd been told he wasn't paralyzed, just extremely weak. Before she could even speak to him, Tuvok had called her to the bridge because they had been under attack by yet another race of hostile aliens. She'd heard the Doctor order a sedative even as she hurried out the Sickbay doors.

She had received the Doctor's full report, rejoicing at the cautious optimism she read there. There was little neurological damage. He was having trouble with short-term memory, but the Doctor was sure that in a short amount of time -- and with some careful treatment -- his mind would learn to navigate around the damaged sections. His muscles, however, were another story. The treatments had been successful, but Chakotay was severely weakened, and it would take intense and painful physical therapy before he could resume even a semblance of his daily routine. In short, her first officer was out of commission indefinitely. In addition, the Doctor had asked that Tom take over sickbay for the time being, while he supervised Chakotay's rehabilitation, so she was not only short an XO, she was also short a chief helmsman. Not for the first time, she cursed her decision to make their best pilot their backup chief medic.

She and Tuvok had agreed to split the first officer's duties. Over the years, she'd forgotten how much Chakotay had taken on in his position, far more than that of execs on other ships. He was the ship's unofficial counselor, as well as the spiritual advisor, and the personal connection between all the ship's departments and the bridge, not to mention all the little things he did to help her in her daily tasks. He had always borne his duties -- and hers -- so uncomplainingly, and it gave her yet another reason to miss him.

Kathryn was very worried about him. He was back in his quarters, and according to the Doctor and the ship's logs, he only left them for therapy, and he did that reluctantly. He was withdrawing further and further into himself, refusing to talk to anyone. B'Elanna had been to see her several times, almost in tears at Chakotay's brisk dismissals of her concern. Kathryn herself had tried to contact him often, but their encounters had almost begun to follow a script.

"Janeway to Chakotay," she'd hail.

"Chakotay here, is this absolutely vital, Captain? I'm exhausted right now," he'd reply.

"I thought you might like a friend to talk to," she'd offer.

"Maybe later, Captain. I'm very tired. Thank you for your concern, Chakotay out," he'd finish, and that would be the end.

She missed him terribly, and not as her first officer. She and Tuvok would muddle through it somehow, though she had to admit that the ship wasn't running nearly as smoothly nor as warmly as it did when Chakotay was well. When he returned to duty, she'd never take him for granted again.

No, she missed her best friend. She missed his laughing eyes on the bridge, his solicitous comments about her eating and sleeping habits, their working dinners. She missed all of that, and every time she thought of him, the promise she'd made to him in that hellhole of a cavern floated back into her mind.

Now, she came back from her musings to find Tuvok staring at her, a look on his face that bordered on concerned.

"Are you well, Captain?"

"Yes, Tuvok." Then she sighed. "No. I'm not. I'm very worried about Commander Chakotay."

He raised an eyebrow again. "Perhaps you should go talk to him. Your shift has been over for twenty minutes. I will finish the review of the departmental reports."

"He won't talk to me, Tuvok. He won't talk to anyone. That's what I'm worried about."

"Perhaps you should not give him the option of refusing," the Vulcan said stoically. "I have often observed the commander interrupt you for your own well being when you have clearly expressed the desire to be left alone."

Kathryn smiled, remembering all the times Chakotay had barged into her ready room to tell her to eat or to go rest. "He's very upset, Tuvok, and I don't want to do anything that might delay his recovery."

"The commander is a very proud man. I believe that he is having doubts about his ability to return to his position as first officer, about his usefulness in general, and in particular to you, Captain. He is, as Mr. Paris would say, wallowing. Perhaps he needs someone's attention. Someone who will not let him give up."

She smiled again, realizing Tuvok was telling her to go give Chakotay a swift kick in the ass. "I think you're right, Tuvok. Thank you, for your help, and your advice. Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."

"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."

"Is he asleep?"

"Negative."

She smiled at Tuvok and quickly left the ready room, making her way through the ship to her quarry's den. She waited until she was standing outside his door before tapping her combadge.

"Janeway to Chakotay."

"Chakotay here. Captain, can -- "

"Are you dressed, Chakotay?"

There was a pause. "Pardon?"

"Are you dressed?"

"Yes..."

"Good," she said, overriding the door lock. "Janeway out. We need to talk, Chakotay."

He was sitting on his couch, his head resting on the back. He looked drained, and very small, and her heart ached at the sight. He sighed.

"Go away, Kathryn," he said without opening his eyes.

"I don't think so. Would you like something to drink?" she asked, crossing to his replicator.

"Go away!" he repeated, more harshly this time.

"No! Not until we talk. Now do you want something, or not?"

He sighed again, this time in defeat. "Fine. Cup of tea."

She got him a cup of tea and herself a cup of coffee and brought them to the couch. "Here," she said, handing him his cup. She'd forgotten how weak he was, and she let go before he had a firm grasp on it. She watched in horror as the cup tumbled end over end, spilling its steaming contents down his leg.

"Damn!" he cursed, and then he hissed in pain, trying unsuccessfully to stand and fumbling clumsily with the fastenings of his trousers.

"Move, Chakotay," she ordered, putting her hands over his. "Let me do that, it's going to burn you."

"I can do it, Kathryn!" he muttered.

"No, you can't!" she said harshly, shoving his hands away. In one quick movement, she undid his trousers and pulled them down his legs, quickly checking his skin to see the damage. It was red, but not blistered, and she didn't think it was a serious burn.

"I don't think it's ser -- " she began, stopping when she looked up and caught the expression on his face. There were tears running down his cheeks, and there was such a look of frustration and helplessness on his face that her heart felt like it was breaking.

"Just leave me be," he said in a completely broken tone. "Can't you leave me alone?"

"Oh, Chakotay," she murmured. "Let me help, please."

"With what?! There's nothing you can do. I'm just useless."

"That's not true! The Doctor says you're making excellent progress."

"He's full of shit," he said irritably. "I've been working my ass off for three weeks, bleeding, sweating, and crying, and I can't do anything. I can't walk, I can barely sit up, I can't hold a cup of tea. I can't even fucking undress myself!" he shouted, and Kathryn was shocked. He never shouted, and he never cursed -- at least, not at her.

His voice dropped to a near whisper. "How can I ever do anything again, Kathryn? How can I pilot a shuttle? How can I negotiate a treaty? How can I carve stone or wood? How can I create a sand painting or cook a meal? How in the names of all the gods can I ever be useful to you again?"

Kathryn turned her head away, hiding her tears. She didn't know what to say to him, didn't know how to make this better. All the times he'd given her counsel, and she didn't know what to do to help him in return. Everything she could think of to say sounded selfish to her, things that she needed him for, and she desperately wanted to help him for his sake, not for hers.

"You will do all that again, Chakotay. You just have to keep trying. It will get easier."

"Haven't you been listening? Nothing is helping! I'm not getting better!"

"It's only been three weeks. This wasn't a little fall, or a strained muscle! You almost _died_ , Chakotay! Every single muscle was dying. I watched it, dammit! I watched you dying!" she exclaimed with a shudder. After a moment, she continued, "It's going to take a long time for you to heal. But you have to keep trying, and you have to believe in yourself. None of this will help if you tell yourself that it won't."

"Spare me the positive thinking crap. I get enough of that from the Doctor."

She closed her eyes. He was so bitter, so unlike the gentle, optimistic Chakotay she knew so well. She wondered briefly if his personality had been affected by the fever, but she knew that that wasn't the case. He was just overwhelmed by his situation.

"What can I say, Chakotay?" she whispered. "What can I say to make you believe me?"

She wanted desperately to tell him about the promise she'd made him, but when she had come back to the ship and thought about it, she'd realized that she didn't even know if that was something that he wanted anymore. They hadn't even hinted about a relationship between them in so long; before his injuries, it had seemed at times like he still loved her, but other times, all he had seemed to want was friendship. She didn't know if telling him would motivate him or make him angry.

"Nothing," he said dully. "Just go back to running your ship, Kathryn, and let me be."

She jumped up, fists balled at her sides. She gave him a glare the likes of which he'd never seen before, and it startled him. He had never seen her this angry.

"Goddammit Chakotay! I don't care about the fucking ship! Right now I don't care if the fucking ship crashes into a damn planet! I care about you! My best friend, who is sitting here in so much pain, and I don't know how to help you! I don't know what to do! I just want to help you, dammit, and it's killing me to see you like this! I already had to watch you die slowly, and now it's happening again, and I don't know what to do! It's killing me!" she repeated, and it was almost a scream. She fell to her knees, burying her head in her hands and sobbing into them.

Chakotay sat, wide-eyed and in shock at her outburst. Before he could figure out what to say, she was clinging to his bare leg, and he could feel her tears on his skin.

"Don't leave me," she sobbed. "I need you, Chakotay. Please don't leave me. Come back to me. I can't do this without you."

"Kathryn, I can't!" he said, in anguish. And then she said something that he was sure he must have misheard.

"I love you. I love you, Chakotay. Don't leave me, please."

He gasped in a sharp breath. "Kathryn?!" he asked. When she didn't respond, he rested his hand on her head with great effort. Tangling his fingers in her hair, he pulled slightly, so that she had to look at him. He read the love and the agony in her eyes, for once not hidden from him behind her command mask.

"I couldn't stand it, Chakotay. You were dying, and there was nothing I could do. Nothing that anyone could do but watch. It was awful, and I felt like I was dying too. And I promised you that if you came back to me I would tell you that I love you, and offer myself to you. I don't even know if you want me anymore, but I had to tell you. I promised you on your deathbed, and I won't back down now. But please, even if you don't want me, don't give up. Come back to me. I need my friend, even if I can't have the man I love."

Chakotay was crying now too. "Why?" he grated out. "Why would you tell me this? Why now, when there is nothing that I can do for you, nothing that I can offer you? When I'm nothing but a burden?"

She grabbed his shirt in both hands. "You are not a burden, Chakotay!" she shouted. "You're not a burden, and you're not an invalid, dammit! You are injured, but you can recuperate! You can if you want to! But you don't want to..." she trailed off, looking away as the tears started again.

He didn't know what to say, didn't know what was going on. "Kathryn, are you telling me all this just so I'll try harder at my therapy and be your first officer again?"

Kathryn reared back and there was fury in her eyes. She hauled her hand back and slapped him, and the crack of flesh on flesh echoed through the room. "How dare you? You think that I would come to you when you're hurting this badly, come to you and confess my love to you, use it as a ploy just so that I could get my ship back to optimum efficiency? You really think that I'm that cold and heartless? Well fuck you!" she cried, scrambling to her feet, and backing away from him. "If that's what you think of me, Chakotay, then rot in here. I don't care!" she said, but it ended on a sob as she ran out of his quarters.

Kathryn stalked to her quarters, punching angrily at the door panel. She was too upset to enter the right code, and after three tries, she gave up and tersely ordered the computer to open the door. She entered her quarters, wiping angrily at her tears. Her combadge chirped.

"What?!" she snapped.

"Uh, Captain, Torres here. Commander Tuvok said you went to see Chakotay. I was just calling to see how he was."

"He can go fuck himself for all I care!" she said and closed the link. She made her way into her bedroom, and for the second time in a month, curled up on her bed and cried herself to sleep.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

On the bridge, everyone turned wide eyes on B'Elanna, who was standing stock still by the turbolift, her mouth wide open. Everyone on the bridge had heard the captain's reply loud and clear.

"Oh my god," someone whispered.

B'Elanna turned and slowly walked back to the command deck, where Tuvok was sitting in the captain's chair, with his eyebrow nearly at his hairline.

"I think I'd better go check on Chakotay," she said quietly.

"That is a very good idea, Lieutenant," he replied gravely.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Chakotay grunted with effort, disregarding the tears that kept coming. He struggled for several minutes to at least get his trousers back up, and he finally got them fastened again, though the effort exhausted him. They were wet and uncomfortable from the spilled tea, but he didn't care. It wasn't like he could do anything about it anyway. He certainly couldn't just walk to his bedroom and change his clothes. He curled himself into a ball on the couch, weeping silently, ignoring the door when it chimed repeatedly.

His door slid open.

"Whoever you are, get the hell out!" he yelled. "Just leave me alone."

"What the hell did you say to her?!" B'Elanna said angrily, completely ignoring his words. Then she came around the couch and saw him. "Chakotay, what's wrong?"

"How the hell do you know about it?" he asked.

"Because I just called her from the bridge to find out how you were -- since you won't give me the goddamned time of day -- and she told me over the comm that you could go fuck yourself." At her words, he sobbed again. "What happened?" she asked in a much softer voice.

"I fucked up, B'Ela. Big time. I fucked everything up so bad, and I can never fix it." There was so much pain in his voice, and she wanted to reassure him, tell him everything would be okay.

"Tell me. I'm sure that's not true. Tell me what happened and we'll figure out how to fix it, old man. I'm an engineer, remember? Fixing things is my specialty," she said with a smile, but he continued to stare morosely at the coffee table.

"She came to me and tried to give me a pep talk, and I wasn't listening. She broke down, B'Ela. She broke down and started crying and told me not to leave her, and then she told me she loved me. And I was confused and scared, and I asked her if she was only saying that so she could get her first officer back," he said, cringing at the memory.

"You idiot!" she snapped before she could stop herself.

"What was I supposed to think? It came out of nowhere, dammit! One minute she's giving me the Doctor's standard pep talk, and the next, she's telling me... She's never said anything like that to me, and why now?!"

"Because she watched you almost die, and it nearly killed her! Kahless, Chakotay, I've never seen her like that. She looked like... she kissed you. She kissed you in front of me, and the Doctor, and everyone else. If you would have talked to me instead of ignoring my damn comm messages, I would have told you all of this!"

He groaned, dropping his head into his arms again. "B'Ela, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter anyway. It's better that she doesn't love me. I can't give her anything anyway. Not like this."

"Bullshit, Chakotay. I don't want to hear it. This isn't the seventeenth century; she doesn't need you to provide for her. I'm not blinded by love for you, so I can tell you a little bit of harsh truth. You're wallowing in self-pity and pride, dammit. You don't want to deal with the pain and the slow speed of recovery, so you're acting like an invalid. Get your ass up, old man. You made promises to this crew, to me, to your friends and family, and I'm sure to her. And now you're giving up on all of us. I thought you were better than that." She saw the fire in his eyes. "Good. You're angry. Be angry at me. Get up and hit me."

"I can't!"

"Then fight this goddamned thing until you can! I'm leaving, Chakotay. I'm going to the captain to try and plead for your sorry ass, Kahless only knows why. When you're ready, you come find me and you knock me down for what I've said to you, but I don't want to hear this invalid bullshit again," she said, punctuating her words with a few angry jabs from her fingers to his chest.

He summoned all his strength and took a swing at her, but it missed her by kilometers.

"That's better!" she said, and she walked out on him.

With a grunt of effort, he brought his hand up and tapped his combadge. "Chakotay to the Doctor. Are you busy?"

=/\= =/\= =/\=

B'Elanna sighed and rang the door chime again. For the third time. Still no answer. She used her engineering override to get in, knowing she was stepping seriously out of line.

"Kathryn?" she called tentatively.

"I don't recall giving you permission to enter, Lieutenant, nor was I aware that we were on a first name basis," the captain hissed from the darkness of her bedroom. B'Elanna approached the door.

"Uh uh, Kathryn, no ranks here. Not after you told everyone on the bridge that your first officer could go fuck himself. I'm here for my friend, talking to the woman he loves, not as your chief engineer."

"He doesn't love me."

"Yes, he does! Why do you think he's killing himself over this, dammit? He thinks he's failed you!"

"Then why the hell did he ask me if I told him I loved him just so I could get my first officer back?"

"Because he was scared, and he was hurting, and you gave him a hell of a shock. Kathryn, when have you ever let him be anything but your first officer?"

"That's not true! He's my friend. My best friend."

"Uh huh. And if he gets too friendly, you call him Commander, and shunt him right back into the little slot labeled ‘first officer.' I've seen you do it! We all have! He's afraid that's all you need him for, that if he believes it and gets better and goes back on duty, you'll pretend you never said it, and things will go back to the way they were before."

There was silence from the bedroom.

"Kathryn, he does love you. He loves you more than anything, and I think if he could have managed it, he'd have tossed himself out an airlock after saying what he did to you. I've never seen him like that. Chakotay doesn't cry easily, and he was sobbing in a little ball on his couch. Please, don't let this ruin things. You've finally admitted that you love him. He needs your help right now. Don't abandon him. This was all just a horrible misunderstanding in a horrible situation, and there were too many strong emotions in the air. I've yelled at him already to get him to straighten up, and I think it worked, but I think there's a much better incentive to get him back into fighting shape again."

Kathryn appeared at the doorway between the bedroom and the living area, and B'Elanna thought she had never seemed smaller or more vulnerable. "I'm scared, 'Lanna. What if..."

B'Elanna laughed. "Love's a scary thing, Kathryn. Especially with the men on this ship. But if all you can think about are the ‘what ifs' you'll never know the certainties. And believe me; they're worth it. Talk to him. Even if, for some ridiculous reason, you decide against a relationship, don't let it end this way. He needs you. And you need him."

She left without saying another word, only nodding at Kathryn, who leaned heavily on the doorjamb for a moment. She took several deep breaths, and went back into her bathroom. She would go to him, but she wouldn't go looking like she'd been hit by a shuttlecraft. She took a few moments to make herself look human again, if not exactly presentable, and then made her way to his quarters.

She rang his door several times, but there was no response. She was about to call his combadge when she realized that he might be asleep. As much as she wanted to clear all this up, he was weak and tired, and he needed his rest.

"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."

"Commander Chakotay is in Sickbay."

Kathryn jumped at the words and was heading for Sickbay before she even realized it. _Calm down_ , she tried to tell herself. _If it was anything serious, the Doctor would have called you._

She strode into Sickbay a few moments later, but there was nobody in sight. Then, she heard sounds coming from the small lab off to the side, where she knew Chakotay had been doing his therapy. She crept up to the doorway but stayed out of sight.

"One more, Commander."

She heard Chakotay take a deep breath and then give a strained groan that turned into a cry of pain. She wanted to scream at the Doctor to stop torturing him, but she knew he wasn't, that it was necessary, whatever was going on.

"Good. Excellent," came the Doctor's soothing tone. "Now rest for a moment."

"No," Chakotay grated out, between harsh pants. "Again," he ordered.

"Chakotay, I'm very glad that you are finally enthusiastic about your rehabilitation, but you have to take it slowly. If you overexert yourself, you will do much more harm than good. Rest for a few minutes." Chakotay must have nodded or given some other silent sign of acquiescence, because the Doctor went on. "I'm curious, Commander. What brought on this sudden surge of effort?"

"B'Ela knocked some sense into me," Chakotay said, and Kathryn could hear the grin, even through his pain.

"Oh."

"Oh?"

"I thought perhaps... I had heard that the captain visited you... but that's none of my business."

Chakotay sighed. "She did. It... didn't go very well. Doctor, will you tell me something?"

"As long as you're not asking me to break -- "

"No, no, nothing like that. I just... will you tell me how Kath -- the captain reacted when I was... ill? Down there, on that planet? B'Ela told me some, but I know that if you tell me, it won't be as biased."

Kathryn closed her eyes and had a brief war with herself. This was a private conversation, and she had no right to listen in, but she desperately needed to hear Chakotay's reactions to the Doctor's words, if she could. Her heart won out over her sense of morals, and she pressed herself closer to the wall.

"I'll try. What did Lieutenant Torres tell you?"

"She told me that the captain kissed me."

"She did." Kathryn heard Chakotay's tearful sigh, and she wanted to rush in and kiss him again, just to make it all go away. "When you first collapsed, the captain was very worried, and it escalated as time passed and your condition worsened. You were hallucinating and raving, I believe I've told you that. It was very hard for her to watch you. She had... a negative reaction to something that you said."

"I thought you said I wasn't making any sense."

"Well, no, not to her. But you did say her name, and then you said something -- in your native language, which I translated to her -- about a boat and a monkey, I believe."

Chakotay gasped and said mournfully, "Oh, Kathryn... I'm sorry. I never meant..."

The Doctor was even more intrigued now. "What..."

"It's private, Doctor. You said she had a negative reaction."

"She jumped up, even though she was exhausted, and went back to help the escape effort. She worked until she literally dropped. I practically had to carry her back to the rest area. By that time, you were completely unconscious, and convulsing almost constantly. She whispered in your ear for several minutes, and then she jumped up. She looked angry, but she was too weak from fatigue, and she fell back down. She kissed you. And then, she laid her head on your chest and she wept. It was as if you two were the only ones in the universe," he said thoughtfully.

Kathryn was very still, as the awful memories rolled over her. She bit back her tears, knowing if she started crying, she wouldn't be able to stop, and they would discover her.

"Shortly after that, the crew broke through the rock, and we beamed you up. She dragged herself up again and kept going. I've heard that she worked for another hour, clearing everyone out, but that she didn't speak the whole time, and that her eyes were haunted, focused on something else. She came back to Voyager so exhausted that she passed out in Sickbay."

Chakotay cleared his throat, and she could hear the tears in it. "Right. Thank you, Doctor. Back to work."

"Commander, you worked all day today, and you've been working extremely hard for the past hour. I think it's time you quit for the day."

"No. Not yet."

"Do I have to make that an order?"

"Doctor, I owe the captain an apology. A big one. And I'm not going to be able to give it to her until I can march into her ready room and do it standing straight before her. So I need to get back to work here."

"Chakotay, I'm sure she'll accept your apology whether you're flat on your back or doing handsprings."

"I need to do this for me, Doctor. Please," he begged.

The hologram sighed. "One more set. Can you roll to your right yet?"

Kathryn heard Chakotay strain to follow the Doctor's instructions and then sigh in defeat. She couldn't listen to him struggle, not like that. Besides, she had something to plan, and she didn't have very long.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

Kathryn let herself into Chakotay's quarters, looking around as she'd been too busy to do earlier. There had been some slight remodeling, but nothing major, and everything could be removed easily when Chakotay didn't need it anymore. Mostly there were rails. Rails everywhere. On all the walls, and freestanding across the living area. He could walk, but only for short distances, and not without support.

She sighed at the mess. Chakotay was normally neater than anyone she had ever met -- she remembered that from their stay on New Earth -- but she imagined routine cleaning was a lot more difficult when it took all one's strength to feed oneself. She quickly straightened up, feeling tears come when she saw the empty mug and tea stain on the floor in front of the couch.

She debated for a moment venturing into his bedroom to tidy up in there, but decided that would be a bit too personal, possibly a breach of privacy, and that was not what she wanted. She confined her efforts to the main living area.

Using her rations, she programmed a meal into the replicator, after checking the Doctor's report to ensure that everything she chose would be okay for Chakotay to consume in his weakened state. She set the table and made sure everything looked presentable. Then, she sat on the couch and waited.

After a little while, there was the telltale sound of a transport in his bedroom. That was what she had been waiting for. She and B'Elanna and the Doctor had worked things out and had decided that the energy expended by allowing Chakotay to stay in his quarters and beam to Sickbay for his therapy until he could make it there under his own power was actually less than the energy and resources needed to replicate, build, and maintain an antigrav chair for him. The Doctor had reported that Chakotay was grateful, not wanting to be seen in a chair.

She heard voices, as the Doctor helped him into the bathroom to bathe and then made sure he was okay getting dressed afterwards. She heard the resigned exasperation in her first officer's voice and smiled wryly. Chakotay hated depending on anyone for anything, and it was a great test of his pride that he had to accept help getting dressed.

She stood quickly as she heard the Doctor approach the door of the bedroom, calling over his shoulder, "You need to eat, Commander. I'll program something into the replicator for you."

"Fine!" Chakotay growled.

The hologram came through the door and stopped short at the sight before him. Before he could say anything, Kathryn placed a finger on her lips and motioned him closer.

"Thank you, Doctor. I'll take it from here," she whispered.

"But Captain -- "

"I promise you; I'll call for help if things go wrong, but I owe Chakotay an apology, and I'd like to give it to him. Please, Doctor."

The Doctor smiled, as if at a private joke, and Kathryn knew that he was remembering Chakotay telling him _he_ owed _her_ an apology. "Very well, Captain. But you should know that he's extremely tired, he's not in a very good mood... and what are you planning to feed him?"

"I promise, Doctor, it's all taken care of. I'll take good care of your patient. Please go," she said, and he sighed, nodded grudgingly, and left quietly. She heard Chakotay begin to struggle from his bedroom to the living area, breathing hard the whole time. He slowly emerged, leaning heavily on the rail and concentrating on his feet.

"Doctor," he said eventually, and when he didn't receive a response, he looked up. What he saw made him lose his concentration, and he nearly fell. Kathryn was beside him instantly, but she didn't touch him. She just offered her support.

"Kathryn!"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, just surprised. What are you doing here?" he asked, with wonder in his voice.

"Here, lean on me, and we'll get you to the table." Too tired to argue, he followed her order, and they made slow progress across the room to the table. By the time they reached it, her shoulder was aching from his grasp, and her knees were trembling from his weight. She could only imagine how he felt. He dropped heavily into a chair, and she crossed to the replicator.

"What are you doing here?" he asked again.

She sighed as she brought a tray of food to the table. "I'm here because I owe you an apology. I'm very sorry, Chakotay. I should not have said what I did to you. It was very unfair of me to throw all of that at you at once, when you have much more important concerns. But I am here as your friend, Chakotay, and I hope that you'll let me help you with your rehabilitation. I know that you can do it, but you shouldn't have to do it alone."

He was looking down into his lap. "You're apologizing?! Gods, Kathryn, you can't... I... I'm so sorry," he whispered. "So sorry. What I said to you, what I accused you of, it's unforgivable. I know that you would never use my... feelings for you to manipulate me, but I was tired and depressed, and hurting... and scared. I'm so sorry," he said again, and she could see his shoulders shaking slightly.

She reached out and tilted his chin up, so that she could see into his eyes. He was crying, and there was so much sorrow in his countenance.

"Chakotay," she asked softly, "Do you love me?"

"Yes!" he said vehemently. "Gods yes, more than anything, more than life, Kathryn. When I saw how I'd hurt you with what I said... Spirits, if I could have spaced myself, I think I would have then. I'm so sorry."

She came around the table to him and took him in her arms. He briefly returned the embrace but he was too tired, and his arms fell away.

"If you love me, then it doesn't matter. We'll get through this together," she said firmly.

"Kathryn, I -- "

"Eat," she ordered. "We'll talk after you eat." She smiled. "Don't worry, everything there has been approved by the Doctor."

"Damn," he muttered, but with a ghost of a smile, and she felt tears threaten again. She'd missed his smile so much. He stared at the bowl of vegetable soup for a moment and then looked back up at her. "Are you sure you want to watch this? It's not a pretty sight, Kathryn."

She sighed. "Chakotay, you're going to have to get over your pride. It doesn't matter to me if you're temporarily out of commission as a shuttle pilot, or if you need help to walk across a room, or even if you can feed yourself without making a mess. I'm going to be here, and I plan to be here through it all. So get used to it."

He nodded, and she thought she saw tears in his eyes. He clumsily picked up the spoon and tried to eat. She watched, trying not to cringe as he spilled soup everywhere; it hurt her to watch a man so naturally graceful struggle with such a mundane task. After a few moments, she took the spoon from him, loaded it with soup, and held it to his lips. He refused to open his mouth, and when he looked at her, his eyes were hard and proud. She let out her breath and dropped the spoon back in the bowl.

"I can feed myself, Kathryn."

"I know you can. I'm not patronizing you. But you're exhausted, Chakotay. I can see that, and I know you've worked harder today than you normally do. Let me help you, please. You don't have to do everything alone. Aren't you the one who's always telling me that?" He closed his eyes and nodded, but she could practically feel his spirit breaking. She realized she was pushing very hard, perhaps too hard. "I'm sorry. I'm pushing. Would you rather I left? Do you want me to go, and then you can call me later so that we can talk?"

His hand lurched out to cover hers. "No! No, don't go, please. It's just... I... this is so goddamned hard, Kathryn. I hate this. I hate not being able to do anything! Look at us! I admit that I fantasized about us sitting this close, you feeding me dinner, but doing it because it's romantic, not because I can't lift my own damn spoon!"

"Chakotay, just being here with you is romantic for me. I meant it when I said that I don't care what you can do. I love you. I want to take care of you -- and believe me, that's saying a lot! I couldn't even stand to be around Mark when he had a cold! Let me help you, please. Let me do whatever you feel comfortable with me doing. I don't want to break your spirit, Chakotay, but I want to help. I'm sorry if I'm pushing."

He took a deep breath. "Feed me," he said, and opened his mouth wide. Kathryn laughed, and when she did, he smiled, the first big, dimpled smile she'd seen from him since before his illness, and she couldn't help herself. She kissed him. He grunted, surprised, and then kissed her back, a soft, feathery touch of his lips to hers. She ran her tongue along his lips, and he groaned, parting them slightly. Her tongue stole in, playing along his teeth and his palate and finding his. They sparred for a few seconds, and she was saddened to realize that even his tongue was tired and weak. She continued the kiss, learning the contours of his mouth, until she felt his hand pushing weakly at her, and she broke it.

Chakotay rested his forehead on her shoulder, panting slightly. "You stole my breath away, woman," he said eventually, and she chuckled.

"Sorry," she said, picking up the spoon. She proceeded to feed him, teasing him the whole time. When soup splashed on the corner of his mouth, she leaned forward and licked it off, smiling wickedly at his indrawn breath. She took a piece of melon and bit into it, letting the juice run down her chin. She held it to his mouth, letting his lips take it from hers and moaning softly when his tongue flicked out to catch the drops of juice. The games continued until all the food was gone, at which point she smiled up into his darkened eyes.

"I stand corrected," he said softly. "That was the most romantic and sensual dinner I've had in a very long time. Thank you, Kathryn."

"Glad to be of service," she laughed.

He shifted in his chair, trying to be subtle about it. She'd noticed him doing it several times, more and more frequently towards the end of his meal.

"Are you okay, Chakotay?"

"Just a little uncomfortable. It's hard for me to sit in this position for a long time. It gets hard for me to breathe. It normally doesn't take me this long to eat, even if I can't feed myself that well..." She laughed, and he added, "Not that I minded!"

"Do you want to try and move to the couch? Or would you be more comfortable in your bed? You must be tired; you've worked very hard today."

"The couch," he said quickly. "I don't want you to leave yet."

"What makes you think I'm leaving?" she asked archly, and he stared at her. "Come on, let's get you to the couch. Then you can do something for me."

He snorted in disbelief. "What can I possibly do for you?"

"Couch first," she said, standing. He braced himself on the table and rose, eventually transferring most of his weight to her shoulder. She tried not to grunt with the strain as she helped him to the couch, not wanting him to feel bad about leaning on her. Finally, she was sitting with her feet up on the coffee table, and he was lying with his head in her lap, trying to regain his breath.

"Are you comfortable?" she asked, stroking his tattoo with her fingertips.

He smiled tiredly. "I've never been more comfortable in my life."

"Good. Will you do something for me?"

"My Kathryn, anything I can possibly do, I will do for you. Always. I just wish there was more I could do right now," he muttered darkly, but she ignored it.

"Will you tell me a story?" she asked, and he regarded her curiously. "I've missed your stories."

"Certainly. What story would you like to hear?"

"Anything you'd like to tell. But... will you tell me in your own language? The language of your fathers?" When he didn't respond, she looked to see him staring at her with wide eyes. "I've always loved your native language, Chakotay. It sounds so beautiful, especially in your wonderful voice. On New Earth, when you used to sing it to the heavens -- "

"You heard that?!"

"We were the only ones there, love, and you were singing quite loud," she said, grinning. He smiled widely when he heard the endearment, and she resolved to use it often, if it got her that reaction. "I used to sit and do nothing and just listen, wondering what you were singing. If we had been there longer, I would have asked you to teach it to me," she said sadly, and he could see the regret in her eyes.

"I'll teach you now, if you'd like," he offered, almost shyly. "I would love to share my people's language with you."

She beamed. "That would be wonderful. But first, I want a story. It was so hard, Chakotay, to listen to you down there, so sick, unable to show the great respect I know you have for the language of your people. I need to hear it, whole and strong, to know that you're whole and well."

He sighed, briefly bringing his hand up to squeeze the fingers that stroked his brow. "I'm sorry, Kathryn. Sorry you had to hear that, sorry you had to see me like that. I'm here now, and I may not be strong yet, but I will be so again one day, for you. All right, a story, hmm? Here goes." He began to speak but stopped, frowning, when the familiar voice of the universal translator said, "I shall tell you a story..."

Kathryn chuckled. "Oops. Forgot about that. Computer, disable all translators in Commander Chakotay's quarters until further notice."

"Acknowledged."

He began to speak again, and she closed her eyes, letting the rich tones of his voice flow over her. Though she couldn't understand the words, she felt the love that flowed through them, and it warmed her whole body. He spoke for some time, and when he finished, she was astonished to find that there were tears on both their faces.

"That was a beautiful story," she said, wiping her cheeks. "Thank you."

He chuckled. "I know why I'm crying, but I don't know why you are. You didn't get a word of it." He paused. "Though it is a familiar tale."

She arched her eyebrow. "Oh, really?"

"Mmm, yes. It has a different ending than the one you know, though."

"It wouldn't be an ancient legend, by any chance, would it?"

He smiled again, and it was the same sheepish smile that he had given her the first time he'd told her his legend. "It might be."

Now she was curious. "Will you tell me again? In Standard this time?"

He raised an eyebrow. "I thought you just wanted a story."

"I did. But now I want to know the new ending!"

"You're wheedling again."

"Please!"

Chakotay laughed. "As if I could deny you anything you asked," he murmured quietly, closing his eyes, and she felt the tears threaten again. How could she have come so close to losing him, and never have allowed herself this wholeness, this feeling of being complete? She felt the tears well and fall again, and he looked up, surprised, when one splashed onto his face.

"Hey... what's wrong?"

"I'm so sorry. So sorry it took me so long to give in to this. God, I nearly lost you, Chakotay, and we never would have had this. It would have killed me."

He smiled wistfully. "No it wouldn't have. You would have stayed strong, for our crew, and you would have gotten them home. You would have had a good life and you would have been happy."

"No, I -- "

"Please, Kathryn. I have to think of it that way, otherwise I'll be too..." he trailed off, and then looked up at her, and there was fierce determination in his tired eyes. "Know this, Kathryn Janeway: whatever happens to my body, my spirit will never leave you. I will always be with you, watching over you. You will never be alone."

She smiled, crying again. "Thank you, Chakotay, my love, but it's not enough. You can't leave me, not now. Promise me you'll do everything you can to get strong, because it's your body I want, as well as your spirit," she said suggestively, stroking his cheek.

He laughed weakly, raising an eyebrow. "Oh really? Okay, in that case, I promise. Now, did you want to hear the story, or can I just fall asleep in your lap, because both sound equally good to me right now," he said, and his voice was fading slowly.

"Sleep," she said, continuing the lulling, stroking motion of her fingertips. "You can tell me later. I just hope you remember," she finished in a whisper, for his eyes were already closed and he was breathing deeply. She sat and watched him sleep, thoroughly enjoying the peace she saw in his features and thinking that she'd never loved him more.

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"Kathryn..."

She slowly woke up, aware that her neck and back muscles were screaming in protest and that she couldn't feel her legs. None of that mattered. All that was important was the soft fingertips stroking her arm and a beloved voice quietly calling her name. She smiled inwardly but didn't open her eyes. If she played possum, he'd say her name in that voice again, and she desperately wanted to hear that.

"Kathryn, wake up," he said, and that was followed closely by a word she didn't understand. It was curiosity more than anything that compelled her to open her eyes.

"Hello," she said huskily into a smiling, tired face.

"Hello, my Kathryn. Thank you for the nap. It was wonderful, but you can't be very comfortable."

"Your big head has put my legs to sleep, mister," she replied and was rewarded by a soft chuckle. "What did you just call me?" she asked, hoping he wouldn't interpret her curiosity as disapproval.

"Afraid I'm calling you nasty names?" he asked, raising an eyebrow but still continuing to softly stroke the arm that lay gently across his chest. It was as if he didn't want to stop touching her, afraid she would disappear.

"Something like that," she said lightly, smiling so he could be sure that wasn't the case.

"You called me ‘love.' I'm just returning the favor. It's probably closer to ‘cherished one,' though. It's what my father called my mother. I've always thought it a beautiful word, and until I met you, I longed for a woman I could love enough to use it. After I met you, Kathryn, I longed for the day when I could call you that outside of my dreams." She was crying again, and he chuckled as a couple of tears landed on his cheeks. "Hey, none of that, you're going to drown me here."

She laughed, reaching up with her free hand to wipe her cheeks, and his. "Sorry. Definitely wouldn't want that. Is there something you want me to call you, Chakotay? An endearment in your own tongue? Something you want me to try and call you?" she amended with a grimace, thinking of the damage that she could probably manage to inflict on the beauty of his language.

He laughed again but quickly grew sober. "I think... I think I would like it if you called me ‘love,' Kathryn. Not because there aren't many things I would like for you to call me, both in Standard and in the language of my people, but just because no one's ever called me that before," he said, smiling shyly.

"Okay, love," she said, and he chuckled. "Let's get you to bed."

"I don't want you to go," he said mournfully.

"Is your bed big enough for two?" she asked quietly, and he stared at her. "I'm serious, Chakotay. I would love to share your bed with you, but I won't do so if it will hinder your recovery. If that's the case, I'll sleep here on the couch. Either way, consider me your new live-in nurse. I'll be here every night and every morning until you kick me out."

His hand had tightened around her arm, as much as he could make it do so. "Never. That will never happen. Gods, Kathryn..." He sighed shakily. "I would love to hold you in my arms all night, as much as I can, anyway. It would be better than any medicine, any therapy the Doctor could prescribe me."

"Then let's go to bed."

"It's kind of early for you, isn't it?"

"I haven't been sleeping well -- not that I ever do, but lately I've been worried about you."

She stood and helped him to his feet. They made their way into his bedroom, which she noted was even more of a disaster area than the living room had been. She aimed him at the bed, but he shook his head.

"Bathroom. It's not that easy for me to get up in the middle of the night..." he said uncomfortably.

"Okay. How much help do you want?"

"Just get me in there. I'll be okay."

She nodded and they finished their little trek. She went back into his bedroom and began to straighten up, hanging or folding the clothes strewn around the room. She cleaned up the top of his dresser, noting with pleasure the holoimage of her that stood atop it. She was standing, hands on hips, glaring at someone -- probably Tom. It had been before she cut her hair, but after the bun, during the time she had worn it in a ponytail down her back. She didn't remember the Doctor taking it, but he had been rather a nuisance with his holocamera at that time, and he'd been everywhere. She looked closer and noticed that while it looked like she was glaring, the corner of her mouth was turned upward, and her eyes were shining. She looked like she was about to laugh. Her hair wasn't completely orderly either, she noticed. A few strands had escaped, curling around her head and face.

"I love that picture," Chakotay said from the doorway of the bathroom, and she jumped. "It's the captain, consummate Captain Janeway, and yet, I can see my Kathryn underneath, ready to come out and play," he said with a grin, and she could hear the love in his voice. "I stole it from the Doctor's database," he said, and she gasped.

"Chakotay!"

"When I saw it, I had to have it. I hope you're not angry," he said nervously.

She grinned. "You haven't seen the one I've got on my dresser."

He looked intrigued. "What is it?"

"Uh uh, you'll have to wait," she laughed, as she helped him to the bed. "Incentive, love."

Chakotay sat on the edge of the bed and tugged her to him until she stood between his legs. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his head on her stomach. "I haven't thanked you, Kathryn, for cleaning up for me, out there and in here. It's been bothering me, but I just haven't had the energy..."

"That's what I'm here for," she murmured, lovingly stroking the raven locks she adored. "Now, what do you wear to bed?"

"Noth -- oh. Boxers," he amended hastily.

She raised an eyebrow. "Do you sleep naked?"

"Normally," he said, and the tips of his ears flushed.

"Will it be more comfortable for you to sleep naked or in boxers? Is it going to torture you to sleep naked beside me if we can't do anything?"

"Gods, yes! But I think I can handle it."

"You rest here for a few minutes. I'm going to go back to my quarters to get a few things, and then I'll be back, okay?"

He nodded, and she left him, pressing a kiss to his forehead. She quickly cleaned up his dishes and went to her quarters, where she grabbed pajamas and a uniform and undergarments for the next day and quickly put together a bag of toiletries. She'd have to come back tomorrow and pack seriously if she planned to stay with him until he recovered, but for now, she only took what she needed.

She headed back to his quarters, overnight bag in hand, and entered her override. She ignored -- with difficulty -- the double take of a passing crewman, only allowing herself to smile when she was safely in Chakotay's quarters. _Let them think what they want. It will make it easier later on._

She found him still sitting on the edge of the bed, stifling a curse as he tried to pull his t-shirt over his head.

"Hey, hey. None of that, Mister," she said, gently brushing his hands out the way with hers. "Don't get frustrated, love. Let me help you," she murmured, but he sighed and put his hand over hers.

"Don't, Kathryn. Let me do it," he said softly.

She saw in his eyes his need to do it for himself, and she nodded and kissed his cheek. Turning her back on him, she busied herself with neatly hanging her uniform up in his closet, trying to ignore his grunts of effort. Suddenly the room went dark, and she was enveloped by a cloud of his scent. She could hear him laughing behind her.

She reached up and removed his t-shirt from where it draped over her, shaking her head as she turned to see him flopped full length across the covers.

"Nice throw, Mister," she said archly, and he inclined his head with a grin.

"Thank you, Captain," he said brightly, watching as she hugged the shirt to her and then raised it to her face, breathing in his scent. "What are you doing, Kathryn?" he asked with a puzzled grin.

"Smells good. Smells like you. Do you have any idea how good you smell, Chakotay? God, I don't know what scent you wear, but don't ever stop. I love it! It's been driving me crazy for years."

"Me?! What about you?! Just that little whiff of jasmine or whatever it is. Gods! I've had to run away to my office some mornings just to keep from leaning over and burying my nose in your neck!"

Kathryn laughed, kissing the top of his head. He struggled to get himself under the covers, and she left him for a moment to go into the bathroom so she could change and prepare for bed. She'd chosen a fairly modest pair of pajamas, not wanting to make the situation any more awkward for her or difficult for Chakotay.

By the time she came out of the bathroom, he had turned the lights down. Peering through the starlight, she saw that he was curled on his side, eyes closed, breathing deeply. He was right in the middle of the bed, and she smiled softly at the peaceful image. She grabbed a pillow from his bed and a blanket from his chair and crept toward the door, heading for the couch.

"Where do you think you're going?"

His voice sounded from behind her and she jumped.

"God, Chakotay, don't do that! I thought you were asleep. I was going to sleep on the couch instead of waking you up."

"Here I am, waiting patiently, and you're just ready to leave me all alone..." he said petulantly, and she laughed. He threw back the covers and patted the sheets next to him. "Come here."

She climbed into the bed, and he wrapped his arms loosely around her, burying his nose in her neck as he'd earlier said he wanted to. She sighed and embraced him back, bringing her arms up to his chest to rest them on the warm, bare flesh. He groaned.

"You're still in your boxers," she noted.

"Mmm. Light armor. I thought it a necessary precaution against being overwhelmed by your nearness," he said, and then added, "I guess it's not helping much. Sorry."

She snuggled into him more closely, suddenly understanding what he was talking about. She chuckled. "Don't be sorry. I'm flattered. I'd show you how flattered, but that will have to wait until you're much stronger," she said with a laugh, and he groaned. "Go to sleep, love," she added. "Good night. I love you."

"And I love you, my Kathryn. But I can't go to sleep quite yet. If I remember correctly, I owe you a story."

"You can tell me tomorrow. You need to sleep. Go to bed!"

"I shall tell you a story," he continued doggedly, and she shook her head and laid it on his chest, listening.

"It's an ancient legend among my people, about an angry warrior who lived his life in conflict with the rest of his tribe, a man who couldn't find peace even with the help of his spirit guide.

"For years he struggled with his discontent, but the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero among his tribe, but the warrior still longed for peace within himself.

"One day he and his war party were captured by a neighboring tribe, led by a woman warrior. She called on him to join her, because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself from all its enemies. The woman warrior was brave, and beautiful, and very wise.

"The angry warrior swore to himself that he would stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burden lighter. From that point on her needs would come first. And in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace. He didn't realize for a long time that what he was feeling was love -- because he had never known love before."

She raised her head and smiled at the last sentence, which had been added since she'd last heard this particular legend. He smiled wistfully back, but before she could respond, he began speaking again.

"So the two warriors led their tribe -- one tribe now -- toward home, journeying across vast unknown lands and defending themselves against countless enemies, and the once angry warrior was peaceful at the side of the woman he had vowed to protect. His peace was tested often, sometimes greatly, but the trials only served to strengthen the connection between the two warriors. Though he did not have her heart, he had her friendship and her trust, things she did not give easily. He was content.

"One day an evil spirit saw his contentment and vowed to take it from him, cursing the hard won happiness of the warriors and their tribe. The spirit struck the warrior down, intending to cleave him from her side forever, but he was not strong enough to break the bond between them. The warrior was left badly weakened by the spirit's wrath, and he could no longer stand proudly at the side of the woman he loved. He grew angry again, and the peace he had searched for all his life and finally found began to slip away from him.

"The woman warrior saw the changes in her cherished friend and came to him, in friendship and in love. In his anger and confusion, he struck out at her, wounding her in spirit if not in body. When he saw what he had done, he despaired, thinking he had lost the most important thing in his life. But the wise woman warrior saw that he was hurting, and she came to him again. This time when she opened her arms to him, he put aside his fears and doubts and went to her. Though the warrior had achieved peace at her side, he felt more joy than he had thought possible in her arms.

"As she spoke the first words of love to him, the warrior renewed his vow. He would be with her always, and this time, he would let nothing stand in the way of that vow -- not discord, not vengeful spirits, not even death. He would be hers, for as long as the sun rose and fell and as long as the stars shone in the heavens."

There was silence after he finished speaking, and Chakotay tried hard to see her face in the dark of the cabin, but her hair was hiding it. Suddenly, her small arms stole around his chest and hugged him so hard that he couldn't breathe. When she spoke, her voice was muffled and her breath was warm on his chest.

"That was so beautiful, Chakotay. In both languages. Thank you. God, I love you so much! My gorgeous, poetic, angry warrior," she murmured, stroking his back with her fingertips. He tried to concentrate on her words rather than on what her touch was doing to his body.

"Not angry. Not anymore. I'm sorry, Kathryn, for the way I've been acting lately. I was just so scared that I would never be able to help you again -- "

"Shh. It's okay, love. I understand. Your legend has a slight error in it, though."

"It does?"

"Mm hmm. The angry warrior did have the woman warrior's heart. Right from the beginning. She was just too stupid and scared to see it. She's not very wise or brave after all, you see, and she's definitely not beautiful."

"Hey, are you calling me a liar? Kathryn, you are the wisest, bravest woman I have ever known, and your beauty takes my breath away. And as for how long it's taken for us to get to this point, I want you to know that I don't regret a single day I've ever spent at your side, in whatever capacity you've allowed me to be there."

She hugged him again. "Thank you, Chakotay, my love. I don't know how you can be so understanding of my stupid mistakes, but I will spend the rest of our lives making it up to you, I promise. Now go to sleep!"

He laughed as her command tone suddenly made an appearance. "Aye, Captain!"

She poked his chest with her finger. "Well, since you responded to my order so promptly, Mister, I've got another one for you."

"What's that?" he asked warily.

"Commander, if you don't report to the Doctor immediately the next time you're bitten by an unfamiliar insect, I will kill you myself. I can't handle going through all this again. Understood?"

He crushed her to him briefly and softly said, "Understood. I'm sorry, Kathryn."

"Don't apologize. Just don't do it again," she said wryly, but her voice trembled a little. "Now get some rest, Chakotay, my love. Good night."

"Good night, my Kathryn, my cherished one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very, very early work. In fact, it may be the first work that I felt confident enough to post. (There are a couple of others written even earlier that are hidden away on my hard drive that will never seen the light of day.) Looking back at it now, there's _so much_ I would change, stylewise. The story is still one of my favorites, though, even if some of the writing makes me cringe!


End file.
